As a human, my body requires fuel in order to operate correctly so several times a day I have to orally ingest calories. Sounds like a drag, right?
Well it doesn’t have to be, for with the following cheap and easy recipes my pal Heston taught me I never find myself lacking the nourishment needed to take on the long, drawn out, punch in the face that is existence.
So, without further ado, here are some cracking little culinary doozies to ensure your next dinner party doesn’t turn into a ‘kitchen nightmare’!
1. Nutrition Gruel.
1 stock cube
Porridge oats (a quantity thereof, tailored to suit your hunger/greed level)
Disease free water
(As with all savoury recipes the addition of fried onion, garlic and marmite will be in no way detrimental to the overall effect if you can be bothered putting in the extra effort.)
Apply heat to the water and pour it into a normal sized mug. Add the stock cube and swoosh the water about a bit with a spoon or fork or something to encourage dismemberment. Put the oats in a bowl or pot of appropriate size, add the stock and cheese and mix with vigour. Once the oats go mushy you’re all set.
This is a dish best consumed whilst sat on a hard wooden floor, using a less than ideal utensil (like a knife or a finger) so you can pretend you’re in a Victorian work house or prison ship.
2. Savoury Birthday Cake.
1 sweet potato
Chick peas (1 tin of)
1 thing of broccoli (‘thing’ in this case can mean either a head or a frozen bag)
1 packet of cream cheese and/or a tin of coconut milk
mashed potato (instant is fine)
Slice the swotato and use half to cover the bottom of a deep baking tray or casserole dish then put the chick peas, onion and broccoli on top.
Mix up the eggs, curry powder and cheese/coconut milk/cheesy coconut blend in a bowl or large cup and pour them over the top. Put another layer of sweet potato on top and bake it in an oven until it looks all bubbly and cooked.
Finish off by spreading mash over the top like you’re icing a salty cake and put it back in the oven to add a bit of crispness. It’s probably even better if you mix crushed up salt and
vinegar maize snacks into the mash but I can’t confirm or deny this as the idea just came to me there.
Pretty much Michelin star quality food from the comfort of your own home. Give it a go, you will not be disappointed.
This one, apparently, came about one time Heston wanted risotto for tea but couldn’t be bothered cooking rice so used pasta instead. Like he always says, when it’s a choice between two bland tasting carbohydrates go for the easy option every time.
Don’t forget the soup sachet for a flavour hit that’ll blow your guests’ minds.
1 sachet of instant soup powder
Liberal splashing of Vinegar
Vegetables (mushrooms are good, as is the standard onion and garlic mix)
Cook the pasta the famous way but don’t pour the water away at the end. Instead, add the other ingredients and mix it together until it looks like some sort of pasta and sauce thing.
That’s pretty much it, eat and enjoy.
4. Flavour mush
1 sachet of instant mash
1 sachet of instant soup
Simply mix both powders together with hot water until a creamy paste emerges.
This is the definitive way to enjoy both these foods. A very simple, very quick way of creating a meal that is as delicious as it is entirely lacking in nutrition.
Bonus section – Foods that, at time of writing, exist on a purely theoretical level but that you should try anyway -
Cereal sans cereal,
Everybody knows that the best breakfast cereals are the ones that include clusters of nuts, chocolate coated flakes, marshmallow pieces, dried fruit etc etc. The problem with these, however, is uneven distribution of the non-cereal content resulting, all too often, in a disappointingly bland, fibre heavy, bowlful.
Admittedly this is costly alternative but it’s long been an ambition of mine to buy a whole load of cereal boxes and sift out all of the treat parts. If I ever do it I’ll enjoy the experience al-fresco while birds flock around me to peck at the discarded flakes.
Entirely cheese pizza,
In Finland there is a traditional food called juustoleipä which is a halloumi-esque substance that’s sold in large half moons and tastes just swell. One of my short term life goals is to buy two of these, put them together to make a full moon, spread them with cream cheese and top with an array of other cheeses.
Pizza is one of the many foods that is essentially just an excuse for cheese so why not take the concept to it’s logical conclusion? It’s sure to be the next big thing, just remember you heard it here first.
…and that about wraps it up for today. Happy cookings!